1. Jesse’s Local Beer Review #1

    Although known namely as a comedian and sex icon, I’m also an aficionado of fine beers.  

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    Dusseldorf Bierhaus (Los Feliz neighborhood, Los Angeles)

      Upon entering this rustic establishment, I immediately feel transported to a little cobblestoned village, kept cool by the shade of a vast mountain, perhaps on the Germany/Austria border.

      The bar is hand-carved by axe, adding considerably to the atmosphere.  A pair of cross-country skis adorn the wall above the fireplace, certainly giving it an authentic, alpine flair.

      This cozy alehouse smells of the fine oak in which it’s built, and a friendly, knowledgable staff is all too eager to serve you a pint of your favorite beverage.  It features over 20 taps of fine ales, lagers, and ports, all brewed in house.  

    1.  Horse Creek Amber Ale

      As I sit at my barstool, I simply choose the closest tap, in this case a lovely Amber Ale.  Served in a wonderful hand-stamped pint glass, it feels surprisingly light.  The first sip just can not be overstated.  This is an outstanding product.  The foam hitting the upper lip as a springy array of flavor hits the palette is a combination that could refresh even the most cynical among us.  Very little hop aftertaste leaves a salty tinge on the roof of the mouth, begging for another sip.  I would recommend the Horse Creek Amber to anyone looking for a little cheer after a long day of work. 

    2.  Tiergarten Cask Port

      Reverting to a room temperature brew, I’m pleased that the bar features live music!  A lederhosened trio of accordionists takes the small stage, and the revelry begins!  

    The Tiergarten port is a great drink, served in a mason jar.  Rather thick, reminding me of Guinness, but with a bit of an almond aroma.  A borderline dessert drink, It balances well the acidity with the bitterness, and gives the feeling of comfort that only a port can proviide.  Provide.  Onward!

    3.  Screaming Peter’s Nut Ale

      Apparently a local faborite, I get this beer right away.  I learned of the regulars’ preference upon striking up a conversation with a friendly man next to me at the bar.  The Screaming Peter is served with a ring of a cowbell by the bartender, and a “Huzzah!” from the regulars.  I gladly take a sip and am so overcome with joy at the encouragement of the other patrons, that I seem to finnish it rather fast as fuck.  It really good.  Another one is certainly in order.  

    4.  Screaming Peter’s Round 2

      I know I came here to review different beers, but the Screaming Peter deserves another go.  I wasn’t concentrating enoug.  Plus the guy next to me is fucking awesome.  I buy him a round and we tap;k about stuff for a minute.  He comes here all the time.  After I buy him a round he tells me that every Thursday there’s a group that gets together hear and I should come.  He says it’s all about like getting back to 1930s German values.  I give him my emale and tell him I’ll be there.  I buy a round for the house.  Oh, the beer.  IT’s great.  It has this apple thing going on like somebody put a bunch of fucking apples in it.

    5.  Miller Lite

      Dude I can’t believe I bought a round for every1.  Shit.  I don’t have a lot of money.  They also have other bullshit stuff like Muller Lite so I’m getting one of those right now.  I hate dealing with money.  I Remember that Stephanie and I would always fight about money.  She was big on making lists all the time, so she was good with a budjet.  Every day I’d wake up to see a fucking list laying on the counter of shit to do.  I tell this to the guy next to me and he’s against lists and says some shit about Schindler loving cock.  Hahahaha.  Imagine.  Liam Neeson with a fick in his mouth.  Hilarious.

    6.  Mad Cow Winter Lager

      This fuckin beer is pretty good.  Dude I texted Stephanie.  You guys, I texted her.  “Bitch YOU suck at money.  Can we PLEASE be together again? fuck”  I probalbt won’t hear back.  She never rrights back.  This band is the shit.  These old fat guys know how to parti.  I need a smoke.  I’m gonna havre a smoke.

    7.  Mad Cow Winter Lager (outside)

      Aparentlee I can’t hav a bere outside.  Everybody calm the fuck down.  Just take it.  I have a cigarette and there’s a guy in a cowboy hat.  You know it’s cheesy but I get really sad when I See that.  I’m from Nashville, you know, and now I’m homesick as fuck.  I mean my best freidens were there.  And I started comedy there.  Fuclk.  Whatever happened to Zach?  That guy was my best friend for like 3 years.  He played bass in my band.  We were awful, but that guy was great.  We should’ve gotten an accordion like these old fat fgucks, and gotten a bar gig.  We just wanted to be Nurbvana basically.  But dude that guy was my best friend.  Like who the fuck in LA has seen me cry?  You know?!  Aside from Stephanide.  I really loved her too.  Like really.  It’s so weird how shit falls apart.  It always falls apart.  I need to get into Joy Division again.

    8.  I dunno

      Guy next to me bought me this shit and then showed me his tattoo.  Holy.  Fuck.  I gotta ghet outta here man.  Fuck.  That’s not cool.  Not a good tatttooo.  I’m too scarred of needles.  I’m such a fucking pussy.  Like I used to be the shit.  I’m Jesse fucking Case.  Jesse FUCKING CASE!  I was best of fest at fucking Montreal.  I’ve been on Last Comic Standing and killed.  I’ve gotten standing ovations in fucking theaters.  I make a fuckinfg LIVING doing this.  But now I had a fucking nervous breakdown last year and need to rebuilt my shit and fuckinfg Stephanie hurt my confidense so bad man fuck her.  Goddammit I loved her adjso muych.  

      I’m going back on the road.  I just need to tour again.  Fuck this.  Quit being a bitch, Case.  I’ll call my manager tomorrow and say book it or UR fired.  I fire YOUmotherfucker.  This bartemder’s titties are the fucking shit.  Jesus.

    9/10.  Miller Lights

      Man, this band is SO good.  I’m doing my dance.  I only have one dance and they better like it.  Stephanie didn’t answer but guck her anyway, I’m DANSING!  I’m checking her Facebook.  This si probably why you shouldn’t have a laptop when you drink.  “in a relationship”.  FUUUUCK.  with fucking what?!  WITH BREAKING SOULS?!

    calm down case.  dance it out.  just dance it out.  yes.  dance.  

    11.  Outside for some reason.

    Well you can’t smoke in there I Guess.  Also the bathrooms aren’t well marked.  Well fucking who cares if I see a girl shit, I’m not jerking off over it.  I need to get on stage somewhere.  I’m going back in there.  Fuck that band.  I’m doing a set.

    12.  Back outside.

    My nose REALLY hurts.  Fuck.  thaldskt fuckiong bouncer can suck my asshole.  I wanted to ENTERTAIN.  for FREE.  GIVE THE PEOPLE JOY.  fucvk this place.  fucvk you.  I’m going to stephs.  and if theres some fucking guy in there I’m gonna shit on his fucvking fase.  he deosn’t know love or pain.  I know pain.  I’m Jesse fucking Case.  I’m calling my mom.

  2. My letter to UNICEF

    I was recently taken for QUITE a ride by some company called “UNICEF”.  Here’s my letter to them.  Just a warning to anyone else out there that may get involved with their scam.

    _________________________________________________________________

    Dear UNICEF,

        Sirs or madams, please cancel my payments to your organization immediately.  All further account charges on your behalf will be refuted, and legal action will be taken if necessary.  

        I have never, in all my 27 years, dealt with such a shoddy, immature group of businesspeople as yourself.  Your so-called “company” should be taken to court for fraud, and if I had the legal funding to do so, I would challenge you in this manner personally.  Unfortunately, your immoral “business model” has left me virtually penniless.  

        This all started 6 months ago, when I was leaving my local Starbucks, doing my “I just got a coffee” whistle melody, which I’m known for in my neighborhood.  It was a perfectly fine day, in a perfectly fine life, until I encountered one of your vile agents of evil just outside the coffee shop doors.

        With clipboard in hand, I was approached by “Susan” (if that’s her real name), and was asked how much I payed for my coffee.  The answer, being $1.79, was met with a knowing smile and I was then told that for the mere price of that cup of coffee every day I could be giving my money to a child in Kenya.

        Obviously, as a huge fan of Kenyan coffee, this excited me greatly.  Instead of buying a cup, I could get the beans wholesale, directly from the child-laborer.  I should have known this was too good to be true.  But stupidly, I signed up immediately, giving your terrible business my credit card information, and was on my way.

        I tore out my garage door, making a loading ramp for the truck of beans that would be arriving shortly.  I bought a forklift.  I invested in a 2-ton bean roaster.  I hired a foreman, and yet, 2 months later, I had not recieved a SINGLE coffee bean from your Kenyan workers.

        Then I received a letter from my new employee, “Untagu”, containing a photo, and what I assume was a shoddy resumé, although it was written in crayon.  His photo looked nice enough.  Small hands to pick the beans, and a thin, nimble body in which to work around the stalks.  

        Impressed, I wrote back and told him to begin in the fields immediately.  

        Another month of receiving NO product, and I received another letter from Untagu, thanking me for the funds and letting me know, thanks to me, that he was in school.  

        This is when it occurred to me that your company is a scam.  I was sick to my stomach!

        How many others, I wondered, had been taken, stabbed in the back, by this “Untagu”?  I was giving money specifically to keep him out of school.  I have an empty warehouse, and heating it alone has lead me to sell my car and take out another mortgage.  NOT to mention I can no longer get my morning coffee from Starbucks because I’m sending that money to you.

        I demand a full refund of all moneys paid to you, as well as 30 tons of Wholesale Kenyan beans (Sulawesi or Gold Coast is acceptable), in which to ease my troubles.

        You will be hearing from my lawyer shortly should you not comply.

                                                                            -Jesse Case

  3. Autocorrect Fails #2

    There was such a good response after my last group of autocorrect fails, that I thought I’d post some more that have happened since then!

    Here’s my dad again.  Why is he so bad at phones?  lol 

    My boss at the deli is still always messing up with txting.  lmao

    My GF is my everything.  But sometimes technology still gets the best of her.  Sorry boo!  lol

    My roommate went to school for computers.  Why can’t he figure this out?!  haha

    My mom’s the worst!  Ugggghhh.  Watch your thumbs, mom! :P

    I hope you enjoyed these autocorrect fails.  If my friends and family stay so dumb maybe I’ll have more for you guys.  LOLZ.

  4. Top 5 Autocorrect Fails!

    I’m seeing a lot of funny iPhone autocorrect fails online lately, so I thought I’d add some from text convos I’ve had with people.  Hilarious!

    First off, my dad.  He’s hopeless at texting!

    Next up, my boss at the deli.  Old people are so bad at technology!  lol!

    Even tho my gf is my age, she still messes up sometimes.  <3

    My roommate is like a bff but sometimes the phone gets the best of him!  lmao!

     

    Last up, my mom.  She’s just doesn’t get technology at all!

    I hope you liked these autocorrect fails.  Boy, did they ever make ME laugh when I got them!

  5. True Story

    I’ve had a million non-comedy jobs, but never a real one.  All the jobs I’ve had just required an application.  There was never any sort of degree or resumé involved.  

    At the tender age of 16 I was working at a Subway and looking for a change.  I was burned out on sandwich artistry, and looking to expand to other types of food art.  Potato sculpting maybe.  So I sought out an application elsewhere.

    I wandered up the street into Wild Oats, which was a grocery store that would’ve had a great name if it was a sewing store.  A few years ago it merged with another grocery store and it became ‘Whole Foods’.  Before that it was called ‘Partial Foods’.  Just half oranges and bread crust laying everywhere.  It was a mess.  

    This was maybe 2002?  Before the yoga craze.  Back when 3 people shopped at grocery stores like that, all of which were Madonna in different disguises.  It seemed like a super easy job.  You just stood around all day and watched Madonna shop.

    The application was three pages long, and super hippiesh.  On the last page there was a big blank square, under which it said “draw your most fantastic dream”.  

    I filled it out and turned it in.  

    A few weeks later I got a call from a girl named “Siddartha” or some other Whole Foodsy name, and they brought me in for an interview.  

    We sat there at a table in the deli talking about the importance of good grocery stores and how this place was a real team effort.  You had to be part of the team.  

    Siddartha was flipping through my application and on the last page, she saw that I’d left the square blank instead of drawing something.  

    She said “Jesse, why did you leave this blank?  You’re supposed to draw your most fantastic dream.”.

    I said “oh, I live in a constant nightmare” and laughed.

    She silently got up and walked away, I assumed to get a supervisor to come give me my apron and discuss benefits.

    She just never came back though.

    I just sat there for like an hour watching Madonna squeeze avocados.

    Then I left and worked at Subway for two more years.

  6. Making it Normal

    Hey there everybody.  Hope all’s well.  

      I’ve been procrastinating for a while on how to turn this defunct haiku blog into a page where I just post anything I want.  I don’t want to build a new page or anything.  Seems like a nightmare, plus I like the name.  I just need to transition it.  Maybe a big announcement.  Sky-writing?  Graffiti a billboard?  Build a pirate radio station and transmit it?  Or perhaps, slowly and carefully, I should pull my giant sweaty caveman head out of my ass and just do it.

      So that’s what I’m doing.  I’m sitting here breathing fresh (albeit smelly) air with my un-assed head and I’ll be posting things normally from now on.  The gaping asshole I’m left with is another issue.

  7. 35

    "Look man, Neil Armstrong,

         Never landed on the moon!”

              - all of my dad’s friends

  8. 34

    Groundhogs Day is dumb.

       Just see whether it’s cloudy.

            Let the rodent sleep.

  9. 33

    I text like I fuck.

       Utilizing my fat thumbs,

          Staring at a screen.

  10. 32

    I’m learning Russian,

        As to be better prepared,

           When I buy my wife.