I’m seeing a lot of funny iPhone autocorrect fails online lately, so I thought I’d add some from text convos I’ve had with people. Hilarious!
First off, my dad. He’s hopeless at texting!
Next up, my boss at the deli. Old people are so bad at technology! lol!
Even tho my gf is my age, she still messes up sometimes. <3
My roommate is like a bff but sometimes the phone gets the best of him! lmao!
Last up, my mom. She’s just doesn’t get technology at all!
I hope you liked these autocorrect fails. Boy, did they ever make ME laugh when I got them!
I’ve had a million non-comedy jobs, but never a real one. All the jobs I’ve had just required an application. There was never any sort of degree or resumé involved.
At the tender age of 16 I was working at a Subway and looking for a change. I was burned out on sandwich artistry, and looking to expand to other types of food art. Potato sculpting maybe. So I sought out an application elsewhere.
I wandered up the street into Wild Oats, which was a grocery store that would’ve had a great name if it was a sewing store. A few years ago it merged with another grocery store and it became ‘Whole Foods’. Before that it was called ‘Partial Foods’. Just half oranges and bread crust laying everywhere. It was a mess.
This was maybe 2002? Before the yoga craze. Back when 3 people shopped at grocery stores like that, all of which were Madonna in different disguises. It seemed like a super easy job. You just stood around all day and watched Madonna shop.
The application was three pages long, and super hippiesh. On the last page there was a big blank square, under which it said “draw your most fantastic dream”.
I filled it out and turned it in.
A few weeks later I got a call from a girl named “Siddartha” or some other Whole Foodsy name, and they brought me in for an interview.
We sat there at a table in the deli talking about the importance of good grocery stores and how this place was a real team effort. You had to be part of the team.
Siddartha was flipping through my application and on the last page, she saw that I’d left the square blank instead of drawing something.
She said “Jesse, why did you leave this blank? You’re supposed to draw your most fantastic dream.”.
I said “oh, I live in a constant nightmare” and laughed.
She silently got up and walked away, I assumed to get a supervisor to come give me my apron and discuss benefits.
She just never came back though.
I just sat there for like an hour watching Madonna squeeze avocados.
Then I left and worked at Subway for two more years.
Hey there everybody. Hope all’s well.
I’ve been procrastinating for a while on how to turn this defunct haiku blog into a page where I just post anything I want. I don’t want to build a new page or anything. Seems like a nightmare, plus I like the name. I just need to transition it. Maybe a big announcement. Sky-writing? Graffiti a billboard? Build a pirate radio station and transmit it? Or perhaps, slowly and carefully, I should pull my giant sweaty caveman head out of my ass and just do it.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m sitting here breathing fresh (albeit smelly) air with my un-assed head and I’ll be posting things normally from now on. The gaping asshole I’m left with is another issue.
"Look man, Neil Armstrong,
Never landed on the moon!”
- all of my dad’s friends
Groundhogs Day is dumb.
Just see whether it’s cloudy.
Let the rodent sleep.
I text like I fuck.
Utilizing my fat thumbs,
Staring at a screen.
I’m learning Russian,
As to be better prepared,
When I buy my wife.
Well, happy new years.
Sorry about the updates.
Commitment scares me.
Is open twenty four hours.
Explain that, Oprah!
Two banana peels.
Or as I like to call them,
”Vaudeville roller skates.”